I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
