That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
