I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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