I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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