this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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