Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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