i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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