Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
