I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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