dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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