dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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