my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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