I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
