I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
