Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She's the barista slut.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
