Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
