anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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