ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
