she woke up with a sticky ear
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
