i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The Olympian is in my bed
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
