Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I deserve this hangover.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize