she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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