loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
