Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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