I looked at my own cervix.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
