I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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