You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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