Those balls look pretty dangerous.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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