is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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