The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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