I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
