I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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