Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
