why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
