Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
