That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Randomize
