I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
