I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
