All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Is Oprah even human
last night I used snow as a chaser
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
