you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
