Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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