First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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