I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
