dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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