Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I supernannyed him into submission
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
