I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I had to cum in my sink.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
