How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
