I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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