but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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