I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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