Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
they need to just BURY HIM!
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
