I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
