Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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