can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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