Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
