Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
