I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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