thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
