Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
