I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
