you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
