Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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